Twitchy Eyes and Meatheads
by Poetic License
Summary: Neal meets and thief and falls in love but he's married to a now enormous Yuki what will he do? A screw ball comedy filled with weird love triangles and in the end true love might not triumph.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: All charcters and places are property of Tamora Pierce (except Ani and Mark)

**Twitchy Eyes and Meatheads**

Ani crept into the Queenscove manor through the window. She listened intently for any noise in the large manor, then continued. When ever she passed an expensive looking object it was whisked away into a black bag that hung from the thick belt at her waist. A few minutes later the bag was full and Ani was about to exit through the window when she thought she heard footsteps. She panicked and whirled around knocking a vase off of a nearby table. The vase made a terrific noise as it shattered on the marble floor.

"Dammit," cried Ani loudly then clapped a hand over her mouth. Now she was sure she heard footsteps running towards her, too late she tried to make her escape out of the window.

She felt the tip of a sword at the back of her neck and heard a man say, "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," she answered a bit stupidly, she was in shock of all the times that she had robbed houses this was the first time she had been caught.

"Turn around," he ordered. She complied when she felt the sword tip retreat. She gulped as she realized she faced not some guard but the owner of the manor Nealan of Queenscove. Before she could stop herself she smiled. He looked ridiculous standing in the middle of the moonlit study holding a naked sword in his stripped pajamas with his brown hair sticking up at odd angles.

"Something amusing," he asked dryly.

"Yes, you," Ani answered impishly. Surprised, Neal turned the mirror in the corner if the room and studied his reflection. Finished he turned back and chuckled.

"I guess I do look weird," he said sheepishly. " But never mind that, I want you to give me my stuff back."

"No."

He drew him self up and said magnificently, "By Tortallan law you are required to return my belongings to it's rightful owner, me."

"Maybe you didn't understand my first answer, NO."

Picking up his sword he commanded, "Give it to me."

"You really don't get the concept of no, do you?"

"C'mon gimme back my stuff," he whined, dropping the outraged noble act.

"Never," she cried exultantly and made a leap out of the window. A few seconds later Neal heard a thump and an owwww.

He leaned out the window and yelled uncertainly, "Are you all right?"

"Noo-oo," Ani yelled back her yell turning into a groan.

"Just wait there I'll come down and help you."

"Like I could move I've broken my legs I know it," groaned Ani pessimistically.

Neal dashed down to the wounded would-be burglar. He found her prone figure on the ground grumbling to herself about broken legs and mortal wounds. Neal reached out to her with his healing Gift and found nothing broken, not even the slightest sprain, just bruising.

"Stop being a baby, nothing's broken."

"How do you know?" Ani demanded.

"I have the Gift and have been trained as a healer."

"Yea right," she sad sarcastically.

"Really I have."

"Suuure."

"It's true."

"I believe you."

Neal sighed exasperatedly and asked, " Do you want me to fix those or not?"

"I guess," grouched Ani. There was a glow of Neal green Gift and the pain faded.

"Thanks but I'm still taking your stuff." She leapt up and darted away, leaving Neal watching admiringly after.

The next morning Neal was exhausted. He hadn't been able to banish the petite thief with cloudy green eyes from his mind. He sighed as his wife, Yuki, entered for breakfast—not that it was breaking any fast any more; Yuki never stopped eating nowadays. At their first meeting she had been pretty and pleasantly plump, but a few years and one child birth had robbed her of any beauty. In short she was whopping. Neal sighed again as his monstrous wife thunked down into a chair, rolls of flesh spreading over the chair's arms as the chair creaked under her majestic bulk.

Ani was bargaining furiously with Mark.

"What!" she cried, "This stuff is worth at least twice that."

"At least? It's hardly worth my time to look at the second rate junk you steal."

"Guuurrrrrr," growled Ani (Ani was known for her gurrs.)

"I'll pay you fifty Nobles for it all."

"Short bastard."

"Fine, sixty."

Ani had her sour puss face on (Ani was known not only for her gurrs but for her sour puss faces).

"Seventy?" Mark asked, beginning to be cowed by Ani's well known gurrs and sour puss face.

Ani's eye began to twitch (the twitchy eye was even more infamous than the gurrs and the sour puss face).

"Fine, fine one thousand. Just like you wanted," Mark chuckled nervously. Mark was scared of the twitchy eye more than anything else because, as everyone knew, the twitchy eye was lesser gypsy magic. If Ani used greater gypsy magic, the twitchy eye would turn into the evil eye, and who knows what that would do since the evil eye hadn't been used since its invention before the dawn of babka (babka came first, then cake so as you can see the evil eye had to be ancient and terrible thing if it came before the dawn of cake).

Ani kept the twitchy eye on him until the money was in her hand then she smiled and said, "Nice doing business with you", then left to the right.

Neal's head was in the clouds as it had not been since he'd first married Yuki the Enormous (only she hadn't been Yuki the Enormous at the time—if she had Neal wouldn't have married her). He was humming love songs and composing bad poetry like never before and it was all because a not-so-pretty thief had been whining and complaining about non-existent broken bones. He sighed and sighed again, his eyes shining.

"Neal pass me the barbecue pork chops," Yuki ordered sounding especially chubby (if you don't know what it's like when someone sounds chubby I can't describe it so you will have to be left in the dark). Shining eyed Neal passed the pork chops smiling goofily. 'I must find that not-so-pretty-yet-better-than-average-but-not-really-thief-girl,' thought Neal. He promptly sent out letters to everyone he knew about the not-so-pretty-yet-better-than-average-but-not-really-thief-girl. It took months, but the not-so-pretty-yet-better-than-average-but-not-really-thief-girl was finally found, but not really because Neal didn't know the place where she had been found, and if he did he wouldn't know how to get there. 'But,' he thought proudly, 'at least now I can say the apple of my eye lives in Westchester, Massachusetts.' After this thought he returned to his shiny eyed sighing state.

_I feel that it is necessary to intrude upon my own story now. I first must apologize for the pathetic attempts at humor. My humor is normally pretty sarcastic which is hard to put on paper, slap stick humor is, too, hard to put in to words without losing something, so I turn to the genius of William Goldberg; the usage of parentheses, the italicized interruption, and the dry humor. Some of it is mine, but I'd like to tip my hat to Goldman and of course Tamora Pierce for letting us fan fiction authors mutilate her characters and turn them into our own. Speaking of characters I would also like to mention that the character Ani is based off of a friend of mine and she might stay close to the real thing or she will evolve into someone total different. All I do know is that my friend Ani will either condemn this story completely or embrace it whole-hearted OR silently tolerate it. But now I'm sure you want to get back to shiny eyed Neal's sighing and Ani twitchy eye and gypsy magic. (F.Y.I. Ani spelled phonetically is ah-NEE not a-nnie.)_

Ani was wandering down the main street of Westchester, Massachusetts window shopping. She had been trying to figure out a way to spend her one thousand gold nobles she had paid off all her debts, put some away in savings, invested some, and with the rest she had decided to update her wardrobe. 'I'll be cutting edge,' thought Ani as she contemplated buying a skirt, tank top, and jean jacket. Two outfits later and her purse considerably lighter, Ani sat at an outdoor café slurping on a milk shake watching the world go by. Then she noticed one of the people that made up the world going by looked very familiar. Cold fear gripped her as she recognized the very familiar world going by-er. It was Nealan, the guy she'd robbed and whose money she was technically spending. He looked different than when she had last seen him, happier, more care free. Ani didn't see why he would be happier or more care free since he was accompanied by someone who looked like a bloated walrus and a crying, red-faced baby. She ducked her head as he turned in her direction, but as it always was with him, the duck came too late; he'd recognized her. He detached himself from the walrus and the red-faced baby and strode over to her.

"Well if it isn't the not-so-pretty-yet-better-than-average-but-not-really-thief-girl of Westchester, Massachusetts," he said nonchalantly.

"Umm….hi," mumbled Ani trying to stifle a nervous giggle that nearly escaped her. Silence ensued. Ani was in turmoil…she was ordering her mind to come up with something interesting to say but it refused to. She felt her ears getting red she wished, not for the first time, that her hair wasn't so frizzy. If it wasn't frizzy she could leave it down instead of pulled back into a pony tail and then it would hide her fire engine colored ears.

"How have you been?" he asked.

"Fine." What was wrong with her? She'd been comfortable enough robbing him blind, but then she hadn't really seen him (it had been dark). Now he was visible she was embarrassed, partly because he was hot, partly because she had robbed him.

"Well I guess I'd better be going," he said reluctantly. She watched him as he re-joined the walrus the baby feeling a little regretful she hadn't said more. Seized by an unknown impulse she dashed over to him scribbled where to find her on a piece of paper and shoved into his hand, then darted away. Neal was left staring blankly after her.

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	2. Chapter 2

The next few months were a dream. Neal and Ani spent as much time as possible together, but quite suddenly Yuki the Enormous discovered the "affair." She threw tantrums and ate more than ever. Soon she wasn't Yuki the Enormous, but the Gargantuan Yuki. After one particularly bad tantrum, Neal took up residence in Ani's apartment permanently. This situation pleased no one as Ani didn't like Neal all that much, Neal found he wasn't that in love with Ani, and the Gargantuan Yuki was reduced to ordering teddy bears around instead of Neal. But the real victim in all this was Neal and Yuki's daughter, the little walrus (I mentioned her earlier, so if you don't remember please refer back). Their daughter, being neglected as she was, was fed very little and she shrived up like a raisin. This caused her later in life to be called the Prune. That nickname caused resentment against the one who broken up her "happy family", Ani. Now we fast forward about fifteen years later.

Ani was trying to tan outside of the house where she and Neal were staying (they spent most of their time running from Yuki). The tanning wasn't going well. The only thing she manage to do was burn and get all red and blistery. Ani glanced at Neal. He was sleep peacefully and tanning wonderfully. Ani gurr-ed and gave him the twitchy eye and threw an ice pack at him. He gave a high pitched yelped as the ice pack contacted with his leg (Ani had been aiming for his head but her aim was really bad).

"Why'd you do that?" he wailed.

"You were annoying me."

"I didn't do anything."

"You were tanning and looking good."

"That's not my fault!"

"Yes it is."

"Nuh-uh."

"Uh-huh."

"Nuh-uh."

"Uh-huh."

"Nuh-uh."

"Uh-huh."

"Shut up both of you," said a new voice. Both Neal and Ani whipped around and saw ……..

I ask you to remember that fifteen years have passed and Yuki has been hunting them all along but they haven't actually seen her in a while.

…….

"YUKI!" they both screamed.

"Yuki," Neal said quizzically not sure he was seeing her right.

"Yes, that's right Neal, I was so devastated when you left me, I stopped eating." It was true, Yuki stood before them normal weight and in a Yamani battle costume. 


	3. Chapter 3

"You will die now," she said to Ani pleasantly. Her sword made a resounding ring as she drew it from the sheathe. Ani was cowering in fear before her, waiting for the death blow, when Yuki said, exasperated, " I'm not going to kill you without a fight."

"Really," asked Ani perking up visibly at the thought she might have a few more minutes to live.

Yuki rolled her eyes and said, "Of course." At this point Yuki handed Ani a plastic Power Rangers sword with light up action and cool artificial crashing noises. Ani took one look at her short sword and Yuki's long gleaming one and started to scream. She looked to Neal for help, but he was staring dreamily into space thinking stupidly that Ani was fighting over him when in fact Ani was fighting for her life. Yuki charged, it was all Ani could do to fend her off ( the lights and artificial crashing noises were very distracting). As Yuki advanced Ani stumbled and landed on her back. In one last desperate attempt to save her life, Ani grabbed a nearby by tree branch and stabbed Yuki with it. Yuki froze. Blood began to dribble out of her mouth before she toppled. That's right, Yuki had been killed by a tree branch to the ribs.

Then Ani and Neal heard Neal and Yuki's daughter screaming, "MOTHER NOOOOOOOO! I WILL AVENGE YOU." Ani looked at Neal and Neal looked at Ani and they both began running into the sunset. The now fifteen-year-old girl stumbled down to her mother and cradled her head in her arms. Tears stained her face and her nose grew very red. She stared after them and felt intense hatred for the pair well up inside her. In a moment of blind fury, Prune grabbed her mother's sword and charged after her father and Ani. She caught up with them in no time (Ani's running skills weren't very good). Prune cornered the pair in an alley and in that alley, half blinded by tears and snot, Prune raised the sword to deliver the blow to Ani. Thump! Prune heard, with satisfaction, a head rolling on the ground. Then to her own horror she heard Ani screaming. She looked down at the bloody decapitated body at her feet and fainted.

She'd killed Neal. 


	4. Chapter 4

HI everyone you thot i was gone didnt you thought you go rid of me well you were wrong! i'm back and i'm going to stay back

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Prune was standing over a large cauldron (pot, it's a big pot) that was glowing an eerie green and throwing off green sparks. She consulted a large, evil looking book entitled _Bringing Back the Dead: A Comprehensive Study of Death, the Afterlife, and Whatever Else is Out There That has Anything to do With Death or Seeming Death (also includes a newly discovered chapter about people frozen in ice for thousands of years with an exclusive interview with Ang the Avatar)_. She set down the book, her slender fingers running down list of ingredients on the page. When she got to the end of the list she gave the yellowing page a tap, then took a pinch of a blue power on the table and tossed it into the cauldron. With the added ingredient, there was a puff of smoke and the concoction began to crackle. Prune looked delighted. She quickly flipped to a book-marked page further on and rapidly skimmed the incantation written there. She turned back to the cauldron (big pot) and began to chant:

**_Naga naga naga fut _**

**_Fut fut fut lak _**

**_Lak lak lak suk _**

**_Suk suk suk toot _**

**_Toot toot toot _**

**_Choo choooo _**

**_Chung a chung _**

**_Clang clang _**

**_Oink _**

**_L.A.!_**

****

She stamped her feet three times, turned around and kissed the ground, and added a pinch of purple powder before continuing with the chant:

**_lalala voom _**

**_lalala zoom _**

**_lalala foom _**

**_lala toom _**

**_lalala_**

**_ L.A.!_**

****

At this point she added a bunch of weird glowing orbs.

_**ZAN!**_

The zan had a note of finality to it. Prune stepped back and looked expectedly at the huge pot. When nothing happened she turned to the book. Then added sheepishly with a hesitant look at the cauldron (giant pot) said, "Yukimi noh Daiomoru."

The potion began to gleam and throw off a pale white light. The cauldron (it's a huge pot, why not just call it a huge pot? SHUT UP) started to shake violently until it tipped over. Out the cauldron (big pot, really big pot shut it before I slap you) tumbled a harried looking Neal, looking just like when he'd died (except he had his head). He took one while look around, stared at Prune, then ran out. Not too long after came Yuki, tumbling out the cauldron (big pot slap owww I gave you ample warning).

To be continued... mwahhahaha

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remember review review review i havent been getting many of those and its making me feel back so bad in fact i might stop altogether 


	5. Chapter 5

I bet you thought you would have to wait for the next chapter well you didn't so whether you're pleased or unpleased my muse is back and I will be writing as long as it decides to grace me with it's presence.

**Twitchy Eyes and Meatheads**

**Chapter Five**

dude I can't believe I've kept up this long)

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"M-m-m-m-m-m-m….," mumbled Prune.

"Spit it out I thought I taught you to speak better than that BEEEEEEP," snapped Yuki.

(Author interrupts: _that BEEEEEEEEP was Prune's name, but do to technically difficulties it has been edited out. If and when these technical difficulties surrounding the pronunciation of Prune's name are solve you will know her name, but as it is you will have to live with her nickname; Prune._ End author interruption.)

"Mother. It worked, the spell-potion thingamajig worked," shouted an exultant Prune.

Yuki raised her eyebrows slightly and said, "So that's why I'm alive. You see I was stuck in limbo with you father."

"Stuck in limbo?"

"I didn't finish what I set off to do in life, so I was stuck in limbo."

"Oh, why was Father there?"

"I can only assume he, too, had unfinished business," answered Yuki icily. "Why did you bring me back?"

Prune hesitated, then said, "I need help killing Ani. I can't do it. I've been looking for her and when ever she pops up and I go there she's gone again. It's frustrating." Prune finished lamely after the words tumbled out in an uncontrolled babble.

"Yes, I know. She's difficult to track. The one thing she knows how to do with any efficiency and skill is cover her own ass, other than that she has no basic life skills and that my dear, dear daughter is her very, very large weakness. On a different matter. Why did you bring my dear formerly deceased former husband back from the dead?"

"It was an accident," replied Prune. "I meant to bring back only you. I can only deduce that you chased him into the portal." Yuki nodded.

"Now time find Neal. Time to find Ani. And high past the time to kill them."

"Uhh, Mom, I already killed Neal."

"Yes, but you brought him back, so it's cancelled out."

"O….k, but I still think that I should get credit for killing him that first time."

"I told you it gets cancelled out its like adding -1 plus 1, you get nothing."

"But this is life, not math."

"Excuse me but I think that I'm the one who knows more about the subject."

"Not really."

"I'm the one in a position of authority."

"How so?"

"I'm your mother."

"Neal's my dad should I listen to him?"

"NO!"

"But-"

"SILENCE BEEEEEEEP (Prune's name again). You will listen to me. It cancels out you will not get credit for killing Neal."

Prune sulked.

Neal had found Ani in the Bo-Babb-Jab Islands. After the first shock of seeing Neal capitated (or is it un-decapitated?) things went back to normal. Ani filled Neal in as to what had been happening while he was dead. Prune was apparently the most powerful sorceress the world had ever seen, the little girl who predicted Prune was the next Lady Knight had gone into a depression because she got the future wrong, and Ani had been running from Prune.

(Author's Note: _Prune is not the Lady Knight because Neal met Ani and the course of Destiny was changed for the worse. As you can see it's all Ani's fault, of course, and that she never should have come to Tortall, but without her there would not be a story so I think we need to forgive her for her unforgivable existence in Tortall._ To Ani: _No worries Ani I love you platonically of course. The Author's Note is a necessary literary/humor device which if you step back and look at it objectively you will see that I am right. It is necessary. Thank you for your time everyone back to the story and Ani I am truly deeply, sincerely, genuinely, truly, verily, most wondrously, miraculously sorry if you are offended in anyway._)

With Neal and Ani back together the chase was on. The Teams: Prune and Yuki and Neal and Ani, the Game: catch and kill the latter team and run as fast and as far away from the prior team.

(Scooby-Doo chase music plays and fades out.)

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Reviews keep me writing. If you like it or even if you don't I would like a review. Thanks for taking the time to read this it warms my .5 heart to know that people read my stuff and I positively glow when I know you like it. Please review. I mean how hard it to press a few buttons? Thanks again. See everyone next time.  



	6. Chapter 6

Hello everyone guess what I'm going to be introducing someone new to the story. You remember how I said that Ani was a friend of mine in real life? Well I said it's not fair that Ani's the only one in the story that I know so I decided to put in my lovely friends into the story. No worries they're not all coming in at the same time, but I'm going to introduce one of my new characters today. ME. It's my story and I'm going to put my namesake in it, but be on the look out for Jenny, Katya, MaryKate, and Molly.

**Twitchy Eyes and Meatheads**

**Chapter 6 **

**(I'm pretty sure it's been six chapters) **

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Ani had been lazing around the Bo-Babb-Jab Islands expertly when Neal showed up again and sent her on the run. "Why couldn't he stay dead like normal people," she thought. "He's a wonderful person and all, but come on this was supposed to be a temporary arrangement." Ani sighed exasperated. "I suppose some things can't be helped." 

Ani and Neal where now on a ship (named the _Indefatigable_) back to Tortall, Blue Harbor to be exact. Ani cast a smug look at a sea sick Neal and then turned away. "Finally I'm better than him at something," she thought. The _Indefatigable_ was in sight of land and according to her captain would be arriving within the hour. Ani watched the crew scurrying around the deck of the Indi, hardened seamen ran with surprising grace up and down the rigging, young boys who were still new at sea made their way with care across the deck of the ship, some passengers lay about looking green, and others looked like they were having the time of their lives, all this happened under the stern eye of the ship's officers.

"Ani?" Neal said a little desperately, "come." She turned to him; he was waiting miserably for her to follow everyone else off the boat, which had just docked.

Once on land Neal's green tinge began to dissipate somewhat. "Never again, never again," he muttered. "That boat was a floating hell. Don't you dare make me take a boat anywhere again. Never." He rambled on in this matter for a while with Ani half listening.

Suddenly someone smashed into Ani and without an apology kept walking.

"Hey who-," Ani stopped mid-sentence and jerked around her eyes following the swinging black braid of the person who had slammed into her. "No it can't be," she thought wildly. She dashed away from Neal chasing the black braid. Neal followed Ani still looking sick.

"Abby, ABBS. I know it's you, you loser. If you don't stop I'm going to kick your ass," Ani yelled at the quickly disappearing black braid. She bumped into Abby, who had turned around suddenly.

"As if you could," she said smirking slightly.

"As if I could what?" Ani asked.

"Kick my ass," answered Abby still smirking.

"That's because you have mad ninja skills," grumbled Ani.

"How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not a ninja; a ninja is an assassin. Which I am most definitely not."

"Fine you're a samurai then." At this Abby merely rolled her eyes. It was pointless trying to tell Ani or the others anything martial arts related. At this point Neal came stumbling up (running upset his fragile stomach). Abby raised an eyebrow.

"Abby this is Nealan of Queenscove and Neal this is my good friend Abigail," Ani said introducing the two.

"Nice to meet you." That was Neal.

"Nice to meet you, too," said Abby. The confidence ebbed out of her voice when she spoke to Neal and returned just as quickly when she turned to speak with her friend.

"What're you doing in Blue Harbor?" Ani asked.

"Something I had to do," Abby answered vaguely, "but I'm finished now."

"Why don't you come with us? We'll be here for a few days." offered Ani.

"I might take you up on that."

And Abby did. She joined our heroes on their most heroic quest to save their our lives.

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teehee i hope you liked it i think the next few chappies will be fillers because i'm tired of writing semi-serious stuff 

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	7. Chapter 7

**Twitchy Eyes and Meatheads**

**Chapter 7**

**(Another Pointless Filler Chapter)**

* * *

"Abbsy, Abbsy," called Ani in a sing song voice. 

"What?"

"I'm bored."

"How are you bored? You're being chased by Neal's ex-dead ex-wife and the most powerful evil sorceress in the world."

"I don't know. I'm just bored."

"O...k. Umm why don't you go get us something to eat."

"NO! I can't do that. I'm on a _diet_, remember?"

Abby narrowed her eyes at her friend and yelled, "Neal, does Ani look fat to you?" Neal turned around and stared at Ani.

Then said, "No."

"There, you see? Why are you on a diet?"

"Because I'm getting flabby."

"Yea we-ell me too, but you should exercise."

"I'm too lazy."

"Whatever. How about this _you_ go get _me_ something to eat."

"Ok," said Ani cheerfully. She set off toward town. The group was in an inn just outside of Blue Harbor.

When she was gone, Neal said, amusedly, "You know, there's a restaurant connected to the inn."

"Of course I know that," snapped Abby. Then said wickedly, "But she doesn't know that, and I needed here out of my hair I'm trying to do this really, really, really, really, really, (at this point she inserted too many really's to type them all) really, really, really hard sudoku number puzzle."

Ani was walking down Main Street trying to figure out what kind of food Abby would like. As she was food shopping, she saw a sign in a shop window. It read:

NOW ON SALE FOR DIRT CHEAP:

Frizzle's unfrizzling and hair lightening shampoo solution.

Ani was draw to the shop instantly. She could kill two birds with one stone. She could get rid of her hair's frizzy-ness and turn the brown to blonde in one fell swoop. The shopkeeper, Frizzle, was delighted someone wanted to buy his product. He washed Ani's hair and applied the shampoo within fifteen minutes. Frizzle said that she had to wait ten minutes for the shampoo to take full effect, so Ani settled down with a magazine to wait for her hair. After ten minutes Frizzle offered her a mirror. Ani looked, her hair was straight and smooth just like she'd always wanted it but it was still stubbornly brown. She left the shop slightly disappointed.

Ani spent the next hour wandering around looking for a meal for Abby. Toward the end of her wanderings she'd been getting increasingly more stares and weird looks. She assumed it was because of the large box of sushi (a Yamani food) she was carrying.

"I'm back," Ani announced as she entered the hotel room, "here's your sushi," she added, thrusting the box at Abby.

"I don't like su-" She stopped dead and stared at Ani, "shi." She finished and then after a pause asked, "What's wrong with your hair?"

"It's not nice to mock someone who's just brought you food."

"No seriously, Ani, what's wrong with it?"

"Nothing, it's not my fault my hair's a monster. Some people don't have pretty, normal hair," said Ani enviously as she stared at Abby's silky, glossy black hair.

(A/N: _This is actually a very common thing for my friend, Ani to say. I don't think my hair's that great. It's a pain actually; it _never_ does what it's supposed to and it has this one really stupid looking curl in front that I can't get rid of_.)

"Right. Just go look in the mirror."

Annoyed, Ani went to the mirror. Her eyes widened as she caught sight of her reflection. She started to scream, but was cut off because Neal placed a hand over her mouth.

"M-my hair is..." She never finished the sentence. She just stared her brand new, straight, shiny, perfectly placed, glow-in-the-dark colored hair.

"It's all right Ani, we'll get this fixed," said Neal comfortingly.

"How?" she wailed.

"We can try washing it," suggested Abby. The suggesting was taken and Ani's hair was washed several times with no result.

"I guess we'll have to ask the guy who did it," Abby said a few hours later.

"I can't go out like this. I refuse to."

"Here, wear this," Neal said as he handed her a particularly ugly head scarf.

Ani stared at it and stated, "There's no way I'm being seen with that on."

"Too right, Ani," agreed Abby amiably, "that's why you'll be wearing these." She lifted up a pair of large dark sunglasses. Hesitantly, Ani donned the scarf and sun glasses. The result was that she looked like something out of an old spy movie. While Audrey Hepburn could pull off the look, Ani couldn't, but on the bright side there wasn't anyone who could recognize her wearing it.

The trio made their way back down to Frizzle's. When they arrived and showed Frizzle what his shampoo had done to Ani's hair, he set to work on a reversal shampoo.

"Hey, could you just make the color come out, not the straightness," Ani asked presently.

"No, I'm afraid it's all or nothing," said Frizzle.

"Damn," muttered Ani.

A few hours and about a hundred hair washes with different experimental shampoos later Ani walked out of Frizzle's completely normal (for her anyway).

The moral: Never believe advertising. (Gets poked) Oh ok yea and the mushy moral (continues disappointedly) and always be happy with who you are.

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i hope everyone enjoyed and you must remember to click that light blue review button when you're done pleeeease puppy dog face 

o yes and Ani i'd like to thank you for your review remember to go to her read her story her pen name is FanFictionFantom


	8. Chapter 8

I've killed my self respect in this chapter i hope you're all happy gurrr.

haha whatever enjoy and review

**Twitchy Eyes and Meatheads**

**Chapter ** **8**

**(Alanna x George lovers beware)**

* * *

"Neal what the hell are we doing out here in the middle of the night in the rain?" Ani yelled over the wind. 

"We're trying to get to Pirate's Swoop," he yelled back.

"How much longer?"

"A couple of hours."

Silence.

"Ani?"

"I think she's dead," came Abby's voice through the darkness. Neal turned around and saw Ani slumped over in the saddle.

"What happened?" he asked, "I was just talking to her."

"She kind of went limp after you said we'd be out here for two more hours," answered Abby, amused.

"And I will stay limp until we find a place to stay," yelled Ani, who was dangerously close to slipping off the horse.

Abby rolled her eyes and urged her horse onward, not bothering to wait for the two to stop bickering.

"HEY! Where do you think you're going," they said in unison when they realized she was about fifty feet ahead of them.

"To Pirate's Swoop or where ever Neal said we were going," was the matter-of-fact answer.

The trio arrived at Pirate's Swoop at dawn, tired, wet, and shivering (Well Abby was shivering. Neal and Ani were giving her weird looks because she was shivering despite she had six layers of clothes on).

"Neal? What're you doing here? I thought you were dead," asked Alanna, surprised.

"I was dead. My daughter brought me bad in an attempt to bring Yuki back so she could kill Ani BUT (there's a very big but here) she brought both of us back instead so now I'm helping my current significant someone escape from my former significant someone and my deranged daughter."

"O…k. I always knew that marriage would never turn out," murmured Alanna. "So who's the Yamani?" she asked indicating toward a blue lipped Abby.

"Ani's friend."

"Mmm hmm," she said a bit skeptically.

"Uhh, do you mind but I'm freezing here do you think we could go inside?" Abby cut in.

"Oh, yea, come in come in," welcomed Alanna. She ushered them into a small book room where there was a large fire crackling merrily. Abby wasted no time in shedding her rain soaked outer layers, curling up dangerously close to the fire, and began rocking back in forth hoping motion would help her regain her lost heat.

Ani woke up around noon, still tired and stiff from last night's riding she rolled over in hopes of getting another few hours of sleep.

Tweet. Tweet.

Tweet. Tweet. Tweet.

Tweet. Tweet. Tweet. Tweet.

Tweet. Tweet. Tweet. Tweet. Tweet.

Tweeeeeeeeeet.

"Damn birds," Ani thought and stuffed the blankets into her ears in an effort to shut out the noise.

Tweet. Tweet.

Tweet. Tweet. Tweet.

" Oh shut up," she thought vehemently, burrowing deeper under her covers. She was blessed with sweet silen- tweet tweet.

"You stupid birds," she screamed jumping out of bed and slamming her window shut. The window closed bought her sile- tweet…tweet.

"Ahhhhhh. I'm gonna kill those stupid," yelled Ani seizing her shoe and throwing it with all her might at the tree outside her window.

Tweettweettweettweettweettweettweettweettweettweettweettweet.

The tweeting multiplied as the birds flew from the tree to the one next door and began chattering about how no one enjoyed their singing anymore and no one had the decency to wake up at a reasonable hour so normal animals could sing. The universal opinion was that two-leggers, especially this two-legger, were insane.

After this Ani gave up any thought of sleeping in. She stomped around her room bad temperedly muttering about birds not being considerate.

"Ahhhh, MY SHOE," Ani shrieked realizing that she'd have to retrieve her shoe from the tree. In a frenzy she rushed outside to get her lost possession. She was standing in front of the tree ankle deep in mud when she realized she couldn't climb the tree. She tried.

Scrabble, scrabble.

Slip, slip.  
Scrabble further up the tree.

Slide back down.

Scrabble, scrabble.

Pant, pant.

Scrabble.

Screeeeeeeeeaaammmmmm. (she'd fallen down)

Repeat .

Repeat.

Ah HA!

Shoe.

FALLLLLLLLLLLLL.

When she appeared at lunch she was feeling like crap, and being muddy from nearly head to toe didn't help her current foul mood. So when Neal and Alanna began arguing about the changing Tortallan ideals and idols and religious boundaries and politics she bit their heads off (not literally of course I can't kill Neal again). This only made Alanna mad and Ani got a taste of the Lioness's infamous temper. The argument went on until both were exhausted.

Still giving Alanna her sourpuss face and her twitchy eye, Ani grudgingly apologized to the Lioness. Alanna even more grudgingly said sorry.

"I never thought I'd see the day," came a voice from the entrance of the dining hall, "I never thought I'd see Alanna the Lioness of Olau and Pirate's Swoop apologize for arguing with someone." In stepped Jonathan of Conte, King of Tortall, sapphire eyes amused.

"Hullo, Jon," greeted Alanna. "What are you doing here?"

"Well you see Thayet and I had our own little disagreement, and well," he said sheepishly, "I was hoping that maybe you'd let me stay here until she cools down."

Alanna grinned wolfishly, " Lover's quarrel, Jon. How sweet. So you won't be here long. Just long enough so that you feel comfortable with crawling back to her." Jonathan didn't look happy about Alanna's take on his current situation, but kept quiet.  
"Well, if it isn't Johnny," cried George as he waltzed into the dining area.

"Hello, George," grinned Jon.

"Did Thayet kick you out of the palace again? Honestly you'd think the place would be big enough for the both of you after a fight."

"Apparently not."

Abby stumbled back to her room half asleep; this was her fifth trip to the bathroom that night.

"I knew I shouldn't have had that last ice cream, dairy always makes me sick," she thought drearily. She turned the doorknobs to her room and walked in…. on Jon and Alanna having a serious make out session.

"Damn wrong room," she thought. "Aww man how am I going to get out of here?"

"Alanna," that was George calling from outside the room.

"Shit," cried Abby hoarsely, diving under the curtains. (Alanna and Jon didn't notice her entrance.)

Enter husband.

"Alanna?"

"Oh, George….What're you doing here?" she hummed and hawed and Jon began talking.

"George this isn't what it looks like--"

"Like hell it isn't," George snarled and stamped out of the room.

"Oh Jon," wailed Alanna.

"It's all right, Alanna. I'll stay with you. I never ever loved Thayet," he said with the proper amount of cliché soap opera passion.

"Me too. I sob sob always loved you. sob But you and Thayet. hiccup I'll love you blows noise forevvvvverrr." After this she became incomprehensible. Jon could make out the words love, never, and always. Caught up by the emotions of the moment he confessed his undying love for Alanna.

Meanwhile behind the curtains.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit."

Beyond the curtains.

Snogging.

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so how did everyone like my first ever "love scene" 

i think that this is my longest chapter in a while is it not?


	9. Chapter 9

**Twitchy Eyes and Meatheads**

**Chapter 9**

** (Going to the Copper Isles with Heartborken George)  
**

If you want to kill me after this chapter I understand. I'm killing(well not literally well maybe literally i did kill neal) Tammy pairings right and left.

* * *

George was pissed, no doubts in that category. Doubts did, however, litter other categories. He sighed and closed his eyes, letting the ocean breeze cool his temper. He would have let the little sailboat's motion on the sea rock him to sleep, but he remembered Aly had had a run in with slave traders in these waters. Despite his resolution to stay awake he drifted off to sleep. The sailboat, guided by the winds, glided across the moonlit waves, silently bearing her captain to the Copper Isles.

It was nearly a week before George reached the Copper Isles. He had gone to see Aly (for those who don't know, but I assume you do; Aly is his daughter) right away.

"So what happened?"

"I told you," George said faking exasperation, "everyone was gone and I was lonely, so I hopped aboard a ship and decided to come visit my beautiful daughter." He smiled charmingly.

"Right," Aly said. She had a sneaking suspicion her father wasn't telling the truth. Wait, call it more than a sneaking suspicion she was down right, absolutely, positively sure that George was hiding/lying/omitting things. She decided to let it go, after all it couldn't be that bad.

George as standing on the balcony of Aly's home when he met Nawat.

"Hello," said George.

Nawat nodded and smiled.

"So how are things with Aly?"

"Fine."

"Ah to be young and in love," said George reminiscently. "Everything's perfect, then you find her snogging her ex. Trust me, Nawat, marriage is a bad, bad, bad thing. Why don't they put up signs that say 'Don't Do Marriage' you know like those drug signs. It'd save people getting their heart ripped out and stamped on." Through out the speech George had been getting more and more hysterical. When he said "heart ripped out" he mimed getting his heart ripped out and then he stamped viciously at the imaginary heart he'd thrown a the floor.

Nawat looked scared, whether he was afraid of George or that Aly would rip his heart out and viciously pulverize it I don't know. He took a step away from George was now muttering and looking rabid.

"Don't do it Nawat, don't do it," said crazed George. He reached out in an attempt to grab and shake Nawat. Nawat took another step back and toppled over the balcony railing. He fell about five stories before he managed to turn into a crow.

George watching Nawat fall, "That's right Nawat kill yourself before she does. Cheers. AHAHAHAHAHA."

Nawat flew into a secluded corner, changed back into a person, and dressed (he had retrieved his clothes somehow, I don't feel like coming up with something to explain how). As he came out of the corner he bumped into Aly.

"Hi, honey. I've just been talking to Jacks."

"NOoooooo. Heart. Out. Ripped. Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh." Nawat ran away screaming, leaving Aly completely bewildered.

Nawat was a free man. He'd escaped the horrors of the Pirate's Swoop family and was on his own….with no money…no place to stay…no food…CRAP. Well, in short he was screwed, but what the hell, right, he was free. He was going to live on the open road, obeying no law but his own, he was going to start brawls in bars, he was going to have shoot outs and…awww damn. Shoot outs? Yep, he was royally screwed.

Just then Nawat spotted a saloon and stepped in. He sat down at the bar and the bartender asked what he would have.

"The usual and put it on my tab," Nawat said casually.

"Right the usual," the bartender started to reach under the bar to get the drink. "Wait how am I supposed to give you the usual? I've never seen you before, you've never been here, you're new, _you have no usual or a TAB for that matter_. You're trying to get a free drink you low life son of a road rat."

"Damn, he's too smart for me," thought Nawat and darted out of Sally's Saloon A Fake Me Out Western Saloon Like In The Movies. On the way out he grabbed a mug of beer. About a mile down the road he settled down to drink his fill when he noticed there was a girl attached to his stolen beer.

"Hey! Who are you and why are you holding on to my beer?" He wailed.

"_Your_ beer? _Your_ beer? _My_ beer, _I_ paid for it," she screeched, she sounded like one of those birds of prey about to kill a rodent. 

Fireworks.

Shiny background.

Romantic music.

Two, one. ACTION.

Nawat was in love.

Wait why was his one true love turning into a hawk?

O well, hawks were birds maybe if he turned into a crow she would love him?

Author: "No, Nawat. What do you think you're doing? You were suppose to go crawling back to Aly like the worm you are. Damn Nawat. _NO_, Nawat, don't _chase after_ Hawkins. Dammit, Nawat. NO, _Hawkins he's not **food**_. Hawkins not that's his _wing_ he needs that don't rip it off. I don't care if he stole you're beer. HAWKINS, NAWAT **BREAK IT UP**. NO HAWKINS WHAT'RE YOU _DOING_ HE'S THE COPPER ISLE'S LEADING MAN. **HAWKINS!**"

Sorry, folks. It seems that the hawk girl, Hawkins, well she…. Well Nawat is currently indisposed. turns away Damn, what am I going to tell the producer? I killed another character. This is bad, our budget... wails NAWAT WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST FOLLOW THE SCRIPT. cries

Curtains close.


	10. Chapter 10

**Twitchy Eyes and Meatheads**

**Chapter 10**

**(oO double digits)**

**(We're on the Road Again)**

r&r this then i'm gonna go get some r&r

* * *

Neal wanted to get out of Pirate's Swoop ASAP. Alanna, his knight master, (well she wasn't his knight master anymore, but still) was acting like a teenager; going around with the King giggling and...and kissing. It was sickening. It was like watching his mother.. aww bad image. Neal covered his eyes with his hand in an attempt to erase the image from his mind. A noise floated down from further up the hallway; the sound for people--giggling. Neal fled he didn't want to risk an encounter with Alanna or the King. 

He made his way toward the kitchen in hopes the cooks would take pity on him and give him something to eat.

"How the hell are you supposed to eat with these things?" That was Ani's voice coming from the kitchen. Neal walked in and saw Abby trying to teach Ani to use chopsticks. "No wonder you Yamani are so skinny you can never get anything to eat," Ani moaned. She attacked the piece of chicken in front of her. She stabbed at it with one chopstick, it rolled away. She stabbed at it with the other chopstick it rolled away.

"Come on it's easy," said Abby, demonstrating.

"For you."

"Not just for me. You can't do it because you have no life skills."

"Not true. I can draw and I can ace tests and I make a mean chicken rice."

"No offense, Ani, but that's instant rice."

"Gurr." Ani once again began to stab at her chicken. She finally impaled it with one chopstick. She held it up triumphantly and took a bite.

"Good job! Now do it right."

"No, it's too much work. Eating shouldn't be work."

"Cheers," said Neal answering for Abby because she was doubled over laughing.

"Hey, Neal," greet Abby when she could."

"Neal when are we leaving," Ani asked.

"When I you want to," he said. "Please," he thought. "Say you want to leave soon"

"Good we leave tomorrow."

They left in the wee hours of the morn when the birds weren't even awake.

"No sane person should be up at this hour," muttered Abby. "We're diurnal, if we were nocturnal then we'd be able to see at this hour."

"Damn, we're going to have to go back I left something," Neal announced a few minutes down the road. They turned around and Neal go his something.

"Shoot! I left my saddle bag in my room," Ani yelled in frustration a mile and a half later. Ani ran and got her saddle bag.

"Everyone have everything, now?" Abby asked slightly annoyed at the delay.

"Yep."

Everything was going perfectly. No one had to turn back and get anything they forgot.

"I forgot my cloak," Abby said shamefaced. They turned back one more time.

"We're on the road again, we're on the road again," Neal sang happily, they had made it ten miles without having to turn back as far as he was concerned he was done with Pirate's Swoop. "We're on the road again."

"Queenscove shut up."

"We're on the road again," sang Neal oblivious to Abby's reprimand.

"Shut UP."

"We're on the road again. On the road again. Just can't wait to get on the road again. On the road again. Just can't wait to get on the road again. We're on the road again."

"Queenscove!"

"We're on the road again,"

"Shut it, Neal."

"We're on the road again."

"Nealan," Abby said warningly.

"We're on the road again."

"Argh! Shut. Up."

"We're on the road again."

"Silence. Is. Golden."

"Abbs. NO. You're choking him ."

"We're (cough cough) on the road again."

"SHUT UP! (we're on the road again) OH FORGET IT." She tried to plug her ears.

"We're on the road again."

* * *

the power went out on my comp while i was writing this and guess what i hadnt saved any of my new work so i had to re-write all of it bangs head on table it was hard 


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

** That's All Folks**

_  
_

_It has been about a month. The group is in the mountains and Abby has left the group on the grounds that if they were going to cold places she couldn't handle it._

Ani put her head down on the cool table in hopes of soothing the splitting headache she had nursed since leaving Pirate's Swoop. She had no such luck, the table heated up faster than her forehead cooled down. '_stupid table_' she thought.

"Ani?" Neal asked tentatively.

"What," she said a bit savagely, narrowing her eyes and coming dangerously close the a sour puss face.

"It's uh your turn to pay the bill," he motioned toward the sixty year old waitress in Joe's Diner's frilly pink uniform.

Ani gave him the twitchy eye before emptying her wallet to pay for their meal. Across the room two Yamani women were watching her with hatred. They were in the middle of the room trying (and failing) to be inconspicuous in their Sith cloaks and conspicuously inconspicuous weapons. The pair drifted over to Ani's table were our heroes were waiting for the receipt.

"Ani. It is time." One of them said grandly, drawing a sword.

"Huh? Time? Time for what?"

"For us to kill you, you idiot," the other said in exasperation.

"Wait… WHAT! KILL ME? WHY? I haven't don't anyth- Yuki? Aw crap. Prune too? What the hell you guys can't come out of no where like that!"

By this time Neal was tugging urgently on Ani's sleeve and motioning towards the back door in hopes of making a quick escape.

"Neal," Yuki snapped. "Stop you two are going no where. I had --BEEP-- (Prune's name if you remember it was edited out for technical reasons) seal the doors."

"Damn it Yuki why can't you just not think of cutting of our route of escape," he yelled.

"Neal go sit I the corner and wait until the death battle is over."

Neal pouted then grudgingly said, "Ok, but you guys better make this quick."

"Neal!" Ani yelled, "my life is on the line and all you can say is 'you better make this quick!' That's it we're through." she stuck out her tongue at him. "Jerk."

"The end is near, my nemesis you will meet your end very soon," Yuki taunted.

"Shut up. I'm trying to be mad at Neal."

"very well then I will kill you--"

"I told you shut up." Ani gave Yuki the evil eye (the evil eye of ancient gypsy magic that had not been used since the dawn of babka) and the sourpuss face at the same time killing Yuki mid sentence. Prune caught half a blast of it and went it a coma from which she never recovered, and Neal was reduced to the state of a babbling idiot (he got not a iota better since the hospital Ani placed him in was always filled with supernumerary tintinnabulation. Ani went back to her stealing and Abby stayed in the tropics.

**The End**

"Hey Abbs, me, Jenny-a, MK, and Molls are going to the movies. Wanna come?"

"Maybe."

**Okay maybe not so over. Just a new arch in the Legend of Ani.

* * *

**


End file.
